The Marinara Incident!

Judging from the title of this posting you are probably expecting to hear about an exciting new pasta sauce recipe that I have just created, or a new pasta that I recently discovered at the local Olive Garden, and while I do enjoy preparing and especially eating Italian food this entry has absolutely nothing to do with cooking advise. So if you are reading this posting in hopes of expanding your recipe collection then I'm afraid to inform you that you're looking in the wrong spot and should immediately close this window and log on to your favorite cooking website. However if you are reading this posting because you want to read a story containing a very painful burn, poor customer service and one very inappropriate word, or you are extremely bored and have nothing better to do then please proceed to the next paragraph.

Today is my younger brother Clint's birthday so I thought it appropriate to share a very special experience my Family and I had with Clint two years ago on his 25th birthday.

This particular experience all started on a family getaway in Moab, Utah. My parents wanted all of the brothers, sisters and our families to go on a trip for Clint's birthday we have always enjoyed going to southern Utah to enjoy the warm weather while it is still cold up north.

Our vacation started off great, Clint, Tyler and I went on an awesome downhill bike ride called Porcupine Rim.  Since it was his birthday I let Clint borrow my 1995 Specialized Rockhopper hard tail with a whole 1" of plush travel in the front Rock Shock fork. After returning from our bike ride we rested and went on a few hikes with everyone else.

In an unrelated note this is the trip where Laura and I noticed that my Dad basically walks on the sides of his feet leading us all to purchase some Keen hiking boots for him.

Later that night it was time to go to dinner. There are several restaurants to choose from in Moab and on this night we chose to eat at Pizza Hut. We entered the restaurant at about 8:30 P.M. I'm pretty sure the workers were kind of upset that such a large group was coming in right before closing time, but to the best of my knowledge their anger and the incident about to occur were completely unrelated.

We sat down and ordered plenty of Pizzas, root beer, and cheese sticks for everyone.  After ordering we engaged in deep and inspiring conversation probably about the funniest and most recent viral videos on YouTube. As we continued our conversation the waitress brought out our sodas and then returned with three large plates each containing one order of cheese sticks and one eight ounce container of marinara sauce. The waitress started setting these plates down starting on one end of the table, then the middle. Next she made her way to the end of the table where we were setting.

On this specific night Laura and I had the great opportunity of sitting right next to my brother Clint. Why would I consider myself so fortunate to be sitting next to Clinton?  Maybe it's because he's very handsome and desirable to look upon, or because he wears perfumes, cremes, and body lotions that smell very good. Perhaps it's because he tells very funny stories and everyone wants to sit right next to him, or it could be because he never passes gas and one never has to worry about being the unfortunate victim of an "SBD". While all of these reasons may be true (especially the one about the lotions) none of these contributed to my being fortunate in sitting next to Clint on this night.

Okay, as I was saying the waitress made her way to our end of the table going mostly unnoticed to us, as she attempted to set down the final plate of cheese sticks she slipped, dropping the container of Marinara sauce and spilling it's entire contents on Clint's hands and wrists. If any of you have had any experience with the study of human biology this means you are much more educated than I, it also means that you know that it takes anywhere from one to three seconds for the brain to receive a signal from another part of the body telling it that something terribly wrong has happened. Well this was the case with Clint at first when the sauce was spilled Clint remained very calm but within seconds his brain received signal from his hands telling it that someone had spilled scalding hot Marinara sauce all over them. He suddenly jumped out of his seat shaking his arms profusely to cool them off "Holy.......Crap" he said. As the pain increased and all of the energy from the volcanic sauce seeped into Clint's arms that's when he said it......"Son of a......." and then a short pause ".....Bitch" never before had these words been spoken with such intensity as in that moment, he even briefly paused mid sentence to quickly decide whether or not this incident merited such filthy and foul language to which he quickly concluded that yes indeed his language was justified.

We were all surprised at Clint's reaction, we weren't sure whether to douse him with cold water, grab him and roll him on the ground as if he were on fire or just laugh. Tyler was especially surprised as this was the first time he had ever heard Clint swear.

The waitress didn't quite know what to say or do, she fetched some fresh paper towels to clean up the mess and I believe she may have muttered a half hearted "sorry" but that was it, no discount or free soda, not even a coupon, after that she hardly even came back to our table even though we were the only table in the place. It is also important to note that the manager was present at the time but did not even bother to come out and make sure everything was okay, or even offer Clint a complementary ride to the emergency room.

Well after that whole inconvenient marinara incident (that was clearly Clint's fault) there was nothing to do but enjoy our dinner and give Clint dirty looks when we ran short on marinara sauce. And yes Clint's going to be okay........after a few years of therapy and some scar reduction treatments.

Ruby

Once again I have neglected my duties and responsibilities of keeping a detailed blog about my families happenings, so I figure its better late then never.

I actually have several excuses as to why I haven't fired up the old PC and sat for hours in front of the screen typing up every detail of our life. Here they are:

My excuses for not updating my blog:

1. I simply haven't felt like sitting in front of the computer for hours trying to perfect the placement and commentary of every photo in order to derive the most comical value (which usually is very little anyway).
2. I have recently become obsessed with the video game pictured below. As you can see my Charly got so bored watching me play that she fell asleep.

3. We have actually been pretty busy doing awesome finish carpentry at work.

4. The computer is in the basement, and it gets cold down there this time of year

5. Laura had our baby Ruby, and having a newborn is a lot of work (mainly for Laura, as I have not yet figured out how to lactate)

Well of these five great excuses I have chosen the latter as the subject of this posting. Although I'm sure you would love for me to hear me go off about a video game for the next few pages.

Now, before continuing I would like to address an important rule of etiquette concerning pregnant women. That rule being to never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever......ever ask a woman if she is prego! Why? you ask.  Allow me to take a direct quotation from the book "Hints on Etiquette" pages 79-80.

"There are two reasons for not asking a woman if she's pregnant. One: if you ask a woman if she is pregnant it's like saying "damn, girl you gettin' some junk in that trunk" and no one wants to be called fat, prego or not. Yes, it's true, even if they are pregnant they will get offended."

"The second reason is that maybe she hasn't told you because for whatever personal reason she doesn't want you to know yet. Lets discuss a purely hypothetical example. A woman may say "no" because she has promised her husband that she would not tell anyone yet, and breaking that promise would also compromise the absolute unwavering trust that she shares with her husband (hypothetically speaking that is)."

"If she tells you the truth then she will be lying to her husband, and its not fair to put anyone in that situation, because of course she will choose her husbands trust over yours." 

"In conclusion it is very discourteous to call someone a liar for not telling the truth about being pregnant, it's very hurtful."

Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself, what a good book.

If the previous explanation taken from "Hints on etiquette" didn't broaden your understanding and you still feel wronged please let me know and I will send you a complimentary shirt (pictured above) so that all your friends and neighbors can know that you were unjustifiably lied to. (limit one per victim, shipping and handling not included.)

Before having the baby, Emily did an established scientific experiment to determine it's sex. First she put a mixture of oils (Frankincense, Birch, Hellicrism) on Laura's forehead, wrists, ankles, and left butt cheek. Next she did a seance of sorts, imploring the great spirits to reveal the gender to those present. Finally she got a special string woven from the nasal hairs of a Siberian rhinoceros, attached a sewing needle to the end, and held it above Laura's wrist.

Suddenly, the needle began to glow and then gave off a bright light, as bright as the sun (pictured above). As we watched in wonder the needle exploded into a million pieces and the test was declared inconclusive. Emily said it was because the oils were not purchased from a certified Triple Diamond level 21 master oil broker (to whom she gave a personal shout out on facebook).

Actually the true outcome of the experiment was quite amazing, after a few minutes of nothing happening suddenly to our amazement.....nothing happened.

Here is Laura just days before delivering, nothing will stop her from cleaning.

Don't even think about putting that vacuum on my 4 wheeler!

WARNING: Before continuing with this blog

(which hasn't made much sense so far) You MUST watch this video, it contains critical information concerning labor and delivery. So click play!!

So, here's the story.

Laura's due date was Nov. 15, so I was very surprised when she woke me up at 3:00am on Saturday Oct. 23 and said that her water had just broken. Which if you think about it, that just doesn't make any sense at all, I mean how can you break water? Well I suppose if you froze it into a thin bar then you could break it, but that would be breaking the ice and then we would be talking about trying to lessen that awkwardness when getting to know someone you have never before met.

Where was I?  Oh yeah, she woke me up and whispering said "sweetie.......sweetie.....I think my water just broke" she was kind of giggling too. She was having absolutely no contractions so she called the hospital and they said to come on in.

We called our dear neighbor Anita who came over and picked up Aiden and Charly, I just thought it would be a little awkward to have the kids there in the hospital, you know with that whole delivery thing.

This is a pic of Anita, and her husband Tim, they are always going around smooching and acting all lovey dovey. We call them "T and A". Anita's number is 555-0291, feel free to call her anytime if you need her to watch your kids in the middle of the night because your baby's crowning.

We made it to Timp. hospital, and they admitted Laura, she is always in a good mood.

Here is another shot of Laura. No contractions yet, but still in a good mood.

I made a quick trip to Maceys to grab some doughnuts and other essentials in preparation for a long wait.

After a few hours Laura started to have some minor contractions. The nurses were aware that Laura has a tendency to deliver very quickly so they called in Dr. Berry. Yes, that's his real name. No, it's not the name of your kids breakfast cereal.

Well, they caught Dr. Berry just in time, he was planning on spending the day at Lagoon with his family but we ruined that for him.

At that point Laura's contractions were still minor so we just hung out in the room and watched "Men in Black" with Berry. They told us that seeing Will Smith in a suit and sunglasses induces labor. By the end of the movie Laura's contractions were getting stronger, everyone would be talking or watching the video and when she would have a contraction everyone would stop talking and watch Laura in silence. The contractions continued to get stronger but the nurses and doc. had no idea because she just kind of bore the pain without screaming or crying.

 The most complaining she did during the whole delivery was that the blood pressure monitor was squeezing her arm too tight. (Did I mention she had NO epidural?)

The Doctor and Nurses were amazed that Laura was as far along as she was with little signs of pain, she would just close her eyes tightly and grab the sides of the bed when she would have a contraction. 

Well Ruby didn't come quite as fast as Aiden and Charly did. Laura patiently waited for a contraction and pushed at each one. Finally after an hour or so the baby finally came. She was sunny side up, the Doctor said that's why it took so long.

The feeling of witnessing the birth of my own children is indescribable, for me it is one of the most spiritual things I have experienced. In an instant you have this brand new life who that has just left the presence of Heavenly Father and is saturated with his spirit to the point that it fills the whole room. This moment is such a joyful and peaceful feeling that all of the sudden all worries are gone and you are a first hand witness of the plan of salvation.

Laura got to hold Ruby for a minute and I cut the umbilical cord, then the chaos began.

Ruby was poked and prodded, cleaned up, measured and weighed.  

Ruby weighed 7.5 pounds and was 19 inches, which is pretty good for being 3 weeks early.

While the Doctor was finishing up with Laura I went to the receiving room and watched them do more tests on Ruby. Because she was "premature" they had to do more extensive blood testing and so forth so they were constantly pricking her ankles for blood samples.

Here is her pic. the photographer had to photo shop out the IV's. Also this pic. was illegally downloaded from her web site.

We finally got to be alone with our new little one for a few minutes. It was nice to be left alone for just a little bit. I pretty much had perma-grin for the next few days.

Wonder why Laura looks so exhausted.

I made sure I got my fare share of time with my newborn.

Her hair looks very red in this pic, maybe we'll have another red head on our hands. It also looks like someone used masking tape to tape her diaper on.

Carol and Lamar came up and got Aiden and Charly so the four of them were able to see the baby for a few minutes before the nurses took her again for more tests. Her blood sugar was low and they had to get her on an IV.

Later on Em came up with the kids to visit, they had to wait forever because they wouldn't let ruby out of the special care room. Poor Keyton had to wait down the hall because he had a cold.

My Parents were patient and waited till all the commotion settled to come see our Ruby. Their patience was rewarded because they had just released Ruby from special care and they got to hold her for as long as their hearts desired.

Even Rooster got to hold her.

Grammy and Poppy, Ruby was still in special care when we took this pic. so I just temporarily borrowed another baby from the nursery, looks like they couldn't tell the difference.

Ruby's blood sugar kept dropping so they had to hold her for an extra day to make sure she was stable. They finally released her on Monday afternoon and we were finally able to take her home where the hard work starts. Its kind of sweet that while in the hospital the nurses will take the baby anytime and you can relax for a while but at home there is no one to relieve you.

Aiden and Charly couldn't wait to hole their new baby sister.

She is so adorable!

Playing with our sweet baby, Laura is such a good mommy!

The proud dad! I love having a baby in the house they are so fun.

Nice wings! Ruby was born with a stork spot on the back of her head, but it still hasn't gone away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA!!!

Ruby's first trip away from home was when we went to the Beardall's for Laura's 30th birthday. I think everyone forgot about her birthday she didn't get a cake or anything, but they still sang to her. Laura was nursing Ruby but that didn't stop the music we all gathered around her and sang Happy Birthday. Laura later told me that although it was a unique experience, it was a little awkward to be sang to while nursing.

Despite not being able to leave the house for Laura's B-Day we still had a good time at home. The kids and I got her a cake from the store and we sang and gave her gifts. I also made a big pot of Crab that was crazy good.